Thursday, 16 January 2014

Run The Gauntlet - Plymouth, UK

I had to save this somewhere because it's hilarious, but probably only if you live in Plymouth and are familiar with the town centre.

The below story is based on real events by real people.


We've all been there, stood in Drakes Mall enjoying the pleasantish shopping experience when it suddenly dawns on us 'SHIT, I need to get something from the bottom of town' (probably a Zinger Tower Burger)
Well panic no more as we bring you this cut out and keep walk through guide as you....


Level One:

Getting out of the Mall.
"Have you got Sky digital services Sir?"
Say YES.
Do not pause, stutter, um and ah or under any circumstance say no. If you do you're fucked at the first hurdle. You're going nowhere.
Once negotiated you need to move quickly towards the exit.
"Do you want a Virgin bundle for £14.99 Sir? "
DO NOT be tempted. It's a trick. You don't even get a cheeky finger.
Say 'no' nice and firmly and move on.

Level Two:

You should now be out the door unless youve got yourself in that awkward situation where you seem to be holding the door open for everyone. Just let it go regardless of who's walking through. If it twats an old biddy, bonus.
Now you have to literally skip through a vast army of inaccurate footwear salesmen. "Biggish shoes, anyone want biggish shoes?" If they aint telling you the sizes then fuck them off. They look like they should buy some shoes for themselves. And some jeans. And a coat. And a haircut.
If you have made it through then well done.
You are now in 'Muff Town No Man's Land' (MTNML for short, obviously)

Level Three:

Once in MTNML its pretty much a free for all. You'll get handed leaflets that you dont want. You'll be approached by 'Clipboarders' that you don't want to and you'll get asked to donate to a charity you've never heard of. ALL will happen but the order and frequency is random. All three are easily avoided . Just smile nicely and give a very polite, friendly but stern "Fock off"

Level Four:

You should now be at the Sun Dial. Depending on the time of year but usually around here you could be forgiven by being tempted to stray of the path by the local delicacies being sold from the wooden huts. If the smell of the iguana and buffalo burgers dont put you off then the £12 price tag should.

Level 5:

Nearly there.
Your goal is in sight. There is just one massive hurdle left. This is the big boss, the daddy, the big kahuna. Yes thats right you're a Janner and staring right in front of you is a Pound Shop.
Be strong. Do you really need 72 bags of assorted crisps? Surely you have enough bin liners? There's only so much chaffing your ass can take from cheap toilet roll.
Just close your eyes (and hold your nose, Woolworths doorway is coming up) and run past. You'll feel better for it later when your not lugging 36 rolls of tracing paper back through town.

And now you have arrived. If its not a KFC you came down for then why the fuck you are down this end of town?